2019

New York Botanical Garden – Sept 2018

A little over a month away from my 25th birthday I’ve found myself at opposition with all major aspects of my life. My family, my education, my work and my career goals have all been uplifted and upended more times than I can count in my life. Unexpectedly, all of these conflicting aspects of my person have come to a full halt and I have to ask myself, truly: Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going now? Which parts of me will follow me into the future, and which will stay behind?

For now, desperately, it all comes down to this: I need money!

It’s been a year since I graduated college with my Bachelors in English. I’ve finally reached the end of the obligations that kept me working my miserable 8-5 job thus far, which means it’s time for me to enter the real, big-girl world of job searching. I’m not even sure what I want to do, or where to start. My plans were to go back to school this fall and pursue my Masters in Speech Pathology. Now I find myself having to move out of my family home and on my own, some time in the next few months. What I thought were my dreams have been put on hold indefinitely and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t outright terrified. I need to start making a new plan soon, it needs to include a LOT more money.

(Long Island is so expensive…. so, so expensive.)

Aimless and worried as I am, I’m also feeling substantially… liberated. I don’t think I was ever meant to live in one place. I was never built to follow the plan of others, but to chart out my own path. I’m an adventurer at heart and I’ve seen so little of this world to know where I’m meant to be.

Obligation and responsibility kept me tied down to one place. Putting everyone else before myself has molded and impeded my own growth. It’s become clear to me in this past few weeks that literally every aspect of myself has been a production of denying what I want do and bending myself to what would suit, satisfy, and help everyone else. I haven’t been living the life I’ve wanted and maybe that’s why I’ve been so empty. I have nothing of substance left in me, just the desires and needs of the people around me. I am hollowed out to my core and in desperate need to feed my empty soul.

New York Botanical Garden – Sept 2018

Your twenties are for being ambitious. They’re for working hard and playing harder. Experiencing, experimenting, and exploring everything that this life has to offer. They’re for setting yourself up for the future that Older You will thrive in. They’re for being unapologetically hungry and I’ve been starving myself for far too long.

I make these commitments to myself:

To no longer be comfortable in my complacency.

To take ownership of my inadequacies.

To consider what works best for me, before I think about everyone else.

To WORK harder than I ever have, because I owe that to MYSELF and no one else.

To be hungry, today, tomorrow, and everyday for the rest of my life.